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Balance Babblings

Well, I heard from Jenuine. And thankfully she’s okay. I’m so relieved. But that leads me to the subject of balance. Balance is hard to strike in most parts of life…in open adoptions, it seems doubly hard. Do you ever wonder if you’re doing enough in your open adoption relationship? Or too much?

Lately, I’ve been wondering what else I could do to help Jenuine out. Not financially, per se, but in other ways. Am I sending enough pics? Enough videos? I know we don’t talk on the phone as much as we used to…funny schedules get the blame there, but I know we all could work harder on that. Are my updates detailed enough? Did I describe Babygirl’s expression or phrase or action just right? I sometimes wish she could be there for every moment. I say sometimes because I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with her here all the time. Call it insecurity if you like, but I wouldn’t want most folks here 24/7. Know what I mean?

TheMan thinks that I over think this at times. And he’s right. But I’d rather worry about it too much than not enough. I don’t believe that Jenuine would tell me if she wasn’t getting enough from us, for fear of making us upset with her, or even hurting our feelings. Maybe one day will come that she feels more comfortable letting us know.

What have you done to open communication up in your OA??

StripedPajamas
–Mama in an open adoption

Birth Sibling Communication CH. 3

trikeIt appears that the family who contacted me about our adopted children possible being related will not be returning communication further. Once we determined that our children were not brothers they have been uncommunicative. I am saddened as I was hoping for one biologically related person to be in Kiwi’s life.

So disappointed. If they are cousins it’s still important to me.  Why do they have to be brothers for this to be important to them?

*~*kiwiamo
transracial international adoptive mom
bio mom

kiwiamo’s blog entries

Triad Discussion, Learn and Grow

OUR SANCTUARY LOGOAt long last, I talk with a group of women who have relinquished children and Adopted Adults that seem truly interested in sharing with me in a non hey-you-onery-good-for-nothing-baby-stealer manner and, get this, hearing me as well. Despite their pain they treat me with utmost respect and offer to discuss issues with me and answer questions I might have.

I have always wanted this resource and now I have it at my keystroking fingertips. I have been welcomed to conversations with open arms and I in return have embraced theses ladies.

OUR SANCTUARY LOGOI have also had the great fortune of meeting a group of adopted adults who extend respectful conversation.

I have learned so much about adoption and relinquishment since adopting my child and it is important to me to continue learning and growing. I feel there is much reform needed in the adoption community and I now have a resource for learning that is welcoming of me as an adoptive parent.

If you too are looking for a place where you feel comfortable keep looking until you find what you need. Needs are unique and what is good for one may not be good for another. Keep googling until you find your home.

*~*kiwiamo
transracial international adoptive mom
bio mom

kiwiamo’s blog entries

Can you hear me Part 4

dancing shoesSo I am sitting in my rocking chair nursing my 2 day old precious baby, loving life as a new mom when it happens. God speaks to me. His timing is really funny sometimes. He tells me that if I want my girl I am going to have to go find her. WHAT??? NOW??? You have got to be kidding me!

At first I was not sure what He meant. I mean, where was I going to find a girl? I prayed a lot after that day and soon realized that He meant adoption. Oh, the excitement I felt. But, it was mixed with alot of other feelings because I was pretty busy with 3 little boys to care for. I decided that any plans for an adoption would have to wait, and that if this is what He wanted us to do he would lead us in the right direction in His timing.

puzzle18 months went by and nothing. I did not think much more about it and I was pretty content with my life. But every once in a while the thought of His words would creep back into my mind and I would daydream about a daughter. It was very confusing because I was really content and at peace with my role as mom to 3 boys. In fact, I was loving my life and was not sure I wanted to change a thing. My husband and I started to seriously talk about adoption, and what that would mean for our family. The more we talked about it the more excited/scared I got. After a lot of time in prayer we decided to take the first steps and call an agency. That first call was day one of our long, exciting journey.

*Bugaboo*

Adoption Home Study Gone Wild!

teen daughterOur daughter, who was 15 at the time of our home study may have been the most anxious famly member about bringing a baby into our home. She was on cloud nine about it, and decided to put in applications in our area for a job so she could buy her little brother “cool” clothes, as she thinks all the baby clothes we bought were “gay” (meaning uncool these days, not homosexual).

Well, I offered to host our HS social worker early if she found herself having to kill time between our interview and the last. As it happened, she came an hour early and I was totally expecting it. However, I never shared this possibility with my teen daughter, a master procrastinator, and of course she was waiting until the last minute to get ready. So, when the SW got here, my daughter was still in her Spongebob Squarepants boxers, night shirt and had not finished cleaning her bathroom which, as part of the home study, would be inspected.

back turnedWe got started on my interview right away, which didn’t take long and since my husband wasn’t here yet the SW requested to see my daughter next. I called upstairs to her “Baby, The SW would like to see you”, to which my daughter replies “No, not yet”.

What the,…… is she kidding?

I was flabbergasted, embarassed and hoped the SW had not heard this. I went upstairs to pursue this not knowing what the heck she was thinking!!! I said “You can’t refuse to go down there! You knew she was coming and you knew a private interview would be required.”

She then reiterated that she wasn’t ready and told me that I could NOT make her go down there!! She said she would go down when she got finished cleaning her bathroom and taking a shower. Oh my gawsh, I was totally freaking out!!! Of all days to give me THAT attitude. Grrr.
Well, after much deliberation I ended up convincing her to go down and figured she would be angry and unpleasant. Since it was a private interview I have no idea how she interacted or what she said, so who knows how it went.

make-upLater I sat down with her to talk about it. She began to cry and explained that she was afraid that our family would not be approved if she wasn’t ready (meaning showered, dressed up with make-up, hair flawless and all the teen hoopla) and if her bathroom wasn’t clean (I had recently refered to it as a “total condemnation”, not realizing she took it to mean that it would condemn the adoption if not cleaned). I went from being totally frustrated and up in arms over her behaviour to having my heart melted by her loving desire for a baby brother and her sweet innocence.

spongebobI had to explain that we would still be approved even if her bathroom wasn’t clean and EVEN if she was still in her spongebobs.

You just never know what they are thinking, even when they’re practically grown!! She’s fine now, by the way,…..and her bathroom is clean,… and she has a baby brother in spite of this experience.

I often read on adoption discussion forums about families fearing they will not be approved in a home study for various, common, reasons such as divorce, silly behavior on behalf of children during HS, necessary medications for such necessities as diabetes or depression, and other issues that are common with american families. Unless you have a felony background, history or abuse and/or abandonment, terminal illness then I wouldn’t sweat it. Most ‘normal’ families are approved and keep in mind that ‘normal’ in American encapsulates alot of weird stuff!

Oh the stories I have heard about what happened to so-and-so on the day of their in-home home study. LOL

*~*kiwiamo
transracial international adoptive mom
bio mom

kiwiamo’s blog entries

Can you hear me Part 3

baby footOh the guilt! Here I was pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby and all I could do was be sad because it was a boy. What choice did I have but to stuff my feelings deep inside myself, where nobody would know how I was feeling. I was so scared that people would think I was awful for how I felt.

During that time, I prayed a lot. I really wanted to come to peace with the plan that God had for my family. I did not understand how He could trust me witht he awesome responsibility of raising 3 boys, when all I ever really wanted was to be the mom of a girl. But, heck, he is God so who was I to question is decision making abilities? After a few months I started to feel my heavy heart lift and I started getting really excited for my sadness windowbaby to be born. Slowly, I started to decorate the nursery in a very boy theme and I accepted my fate. And by the time my son was born, I was on top of the world. It felt like a burden had been lifted and I could finally stop hoping for a girl and just move on with my life with my three sons. I realized that I could not change God’s plan for my life and that He knew what was best for me anyway. So, I brought my baby boy home from the hospital and began my new role in life as mom to three. And then 2 days after my son was born it happened. God spoke to me in the most clear voice I had ever heard from Him… *Bugaboo*

My Journey through Adoption Part 2

three boysI will start at the beginning. It is a long story filled with ups and downs the whole way through.

I am the bio mom to 3 wonderful boys. Two, from a previous marriage, are grown now. At the time of my beginning they were 17 and 21. My 3rd son, by second marriage, was 7.

We realized almost immediately after 3rd son that we had secondary infertility issues. The doctors said he was a miracle. We never should have concieved. As a matter of fact, I was at the OB to tell her I was pregnant with him and she (the OB) began to tell me how sorry she was that we would never concieve.

As the years went on, we really wanted another child. I became obsessed with getting pregnant again. No one understood this, after all I had 3 kids, so I kept it all inside. Only DH knew of my struggles. In 2000 we decided to look into adoption. I knew he would be a wonderful dad to a non-bio child. He had taken my older sons into his heart and loved them as his own. We went to an adoption attorney in my area and signed with him that very night. We were approved in a few weeks for a domestic adoption. I got an 800 number and placed ads in newspapers across the country. He told us at the time that statistics show if you spend $3000 you have a 90% chance of a positive match. So, I spent $4000 that first time. No match. It was exhausting to continue to advertise and wait.

callCalls came. Nothing more. No one chose us. Maybe because of our age. Maybe because of our older kids. I will never know for sure. One person answered the ad once who was a nun working with rape victims. She said she sometimes has women who want to place their child resulting from the rape. I said to please keep my number just in case. I sent her the “dear birthmother” letter. I never heard from her again. (but she enters my life again in the future) This continued for 2 years. I was desparate. Depressed was an understatement. Still, I kept in all inside. Friends would ask WHY? They didnt get it. But maybe God was trying to tell me it was not meant to be. Then I got the call. She was due any day. She said the doctors told her it was a girl, and was a very big baby. I asked her to call my atty, that was the procedure…first step for potential birthmomther…call my atty. But she did not. She called back a week later and said she had the baby, I needed to come get her. I begged her to call my atty. She did not. She called back and said she was being discharged and was leaving my baby in the hospital! I lost it and pleaded with her to call my atty. At that point, she laughed and hung up the phone. A check by my atty at the hospital revealed no such person and no such baby there.

cryingIt was all a hoax.

I was devastated. My dreams of being a mommy again were over. It had been 2 years of hope. Two years of waiting. I was so sad. It was not right. Our savings was gone.

It was then that I had a dream that chaned my life forever! to be continued…soon I promise!

~annabanana103

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I’m Black Too

Today at work I was talking with our HR director about all the discrimination lawsuits we have had lately for racial discrimination against blacks (totally not true and we have yet to lose one). The HR director says “Queen, you know we always win because I am the one who OK’s firing them and I’m black.” To which I reply, “Well I’m black too and they aren’t suing US they are suing the COMPANY.” She gets this look on her face that clearly communicates that she thinks I am crazy, I start explaining the difference between us as people and us as actors on behalf of the company (thinking she is really dumb because she looks like she really does not get what I am saying). Finally she interrupts my scholarly diatribe and says “Queen, you know you are White right?!”

Oh yeah. Since adopting Stink I tend to forget that. The way I identify myself is as the the mother of a black child. Black children, necessarily have black mommas. Its simple genetics. Wow. How odd is it that it is so easy for me to forget that I am white and he is black? I’m still not sure if its good or bad. Just an interesting phenomenon, so I thought I would share.

Its also a nice object lesson in how we see ourselves versus how the world sees us. I can still remember the first time in college when someone told me that I would not understand since I was one of the pretty and popular crowd. They really meant it. I never looked at myself that way. I always thought I was the nerdy fat chick. I never self identified as pretty or popular. But I was more than happy to!

At work I am a white mom. That’s how they identify me. I no longer self identify with that group. And I guess I am more than happy to self identify as a black momma. Even if I am the only one who sees it!

QueenJ

Birth Sibling Communication CH. 2

Ah. Finally heard back from the other family. It seems unlikely that our children have the same biological mother but there is enough matching information to indicate that they could be related. Possibly cousins?

motherly hugI had held out hope that Kiwi’s bio mother was still alive and I hoped overnight that this would lead to evidence of such, but it looks like that is not the case. If this leads to conclusion that Kiwi has a biological relative living here in the US I am elated. It seems that this other family may want to have some level of contact. I can’t imagine why they would have contacted me or searched the sibling database if they weren’t insterested in some sort of relationship between the boys. Surely someone wouldn’t just do that out curiosity?

I’m trying not to get my hopes up but it is impossible to keep my feelings about this in check. I really want this for my son.

*~*kiwiamo
transracial international adoptive mom
bio mom

kiwiamo’s blog entries

Birth Sibling Communication CH. 1

thinkingThis is very early in our story but I wanted to start sharing my thoughts and feelings about a potentially life changing event in our lives. If it pans out it would be a very positive and welcomed change.

I received an email this morning from a woman who saw my entry on the Guatemala Birth Sibling Registry. Our families have a possible match with our sons. After I returned a message my internet service went Kapoohey and I am just getting back on after several hours. I hope they are as anxious to continue looking into this possibility as I am. My isp downtime about drove me nuts wondering “have they emailed me back yet?”

I do know that Kiwi had an older sibling in Guatemala that was living with extended family members. It would be wonderful for him to have contact with some of his biological family. I’m not sure it will ever be possible to establish contact with other family members, including his biological mother, but any family contact is welcomed and wanted.

5 years ago I never realized how important biological family contact would be for us, but here I am. Pining. Hoping. Waiting for answers.

*~*kiwiamo
transracial international adoptive mom
bio mom

kiwiamo’s blog entries

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