Written March 11, 2003
Last night my husband told me he wanted to wait on the adoption. I then proceeded to cry on and off all through the night. I feel like I have just had a miscarriage and am devastated!
I think he is scared of the process of adoption and scared to become a father. I, on the otherhand have a 15-year-old daughter, but this would be his first child. The more excited I, family and friends became over the adoption, he began to talk less and less about it even with me. He even began to withdraw from our relationship in that he wouldn’t talk to me and fought about petty immature things. With this behaviour I knew he was scared and struggling and he even told me several times that he was afraid to get excited until we actually had the baby because his heart couldn’t handle complications along the way. He told me the reason was that we needed to work on our relationship and that he was afraid this was going to tear us apart, which I believe is not necessarily the deep issue, rather it is his fears of the process and fear of being a father. This man has always been crazy about me and jumps hoops to make me happy, although I don’t take advantage of it and I know that when we started this he was ready and we were in this together. He even sidetracked us at one point looking into surrogacy as he entertained thoughts of having our own child.
Another area of learning for me since I initially wrote this is that “our own chidren” include adopted children. I can’t believe I wrote that! “Our own child” indeed. Kiwi is every bit as much our own child as BB, our adult biological child.
Live. Learn. Grow.
I’m so heartbroken and depressed! This whole Hague issue may be what pushed him to halt everything. I told him all the “hype” about it the day before he told me this and his reaction was extremely negative.
At this point I am afraid to go through it again and don’t know if I can trust my husband to commit. He said he was in it 100% the first time, and the pain that this has caused is something I will NEVER get over. I can’t imagine going through this unbearable pain again. I can’t function and just cry all the time like I am in mourning for my lost child.
*~*kiwiamo
transracial international adoptive mom
bio mom
By Land or Sea: Adoption Stories 