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More on the beginning

This was written on March 22, 2006..  (I will eventually write in current times, promise!)

Sunday (March 5th) I was in such a cranky mood. Finally resigned to the fact that she wouldn’t be here until Friday when B was going to be induced. I didn’t want to call B because I knew if I was in a mood, she’d have even more reason to be. What I didn’t know, is her labor had started.

Monday, at work, I was happy to have the distraction but they were still on my mind all day. I decided to head to Curves to workout with mom and then I’d call her (B) when I got home. I was on the street where Curves was, less than two minutes from there, when DH called my cell phone and said “Come home.” I said “Come home?” I had just hung up with him a minute earlier and told him that if a call came while I was at the gym to call me at the gym and tell me to come home. So he said “Yeah, come home!” So I asked him if he meant B called? I just needed to hear it. And he confirmed it. So I pulled into the parking lot and jumped out to tell mom I couldn’t work out with her.

We packed our last bag and picked up my best friend (Sarah) who has said all along she wants to come with us when the call comes. DH told me B had wanted me to call her so I called on the ride. She sounded in so much pain. They had given her something but it wasn’t doing much for her. She asked me if I would be terribly offended if she asked I not come to the delivery. She said she was in so much pain and already snappy, she didn’t want to yell at anyone and she wasn’t even sure she wanted K there with her. I told her not to worry about it. That we’d wait in the waiting room in case she changed her mind. This was probably at about 6:45 We got to the hospital at about 7:45. When we got there I introduced myself to the nurse handling her case and asked her to just let B know we were there. She asked me if I wanted to see her. I told her I would love to, but didn’t think it’d be a good idea since B asked me to not be there. The nurse said she’d check and came out and asked DH and I to come in.

So we went in, B was in a much better state, they had finally convinced her to get an epidural. When we got there she was 4 cm. When she called us she was only 2. She dilated pretty quickly. I left whenever they came in to examine her. At 11 ish when they came in to check I went in the hall and then the Dr. was paged and she started pushing. I didn’t want to go back in without her asking, so I stayed in the hall. The hospital was so great, they kept the baby warming station at the end of the room with the curtain open so we could see her as soon as she was born. They were so great to all of us. After the delivery, B said I could’ve come back in. I assured her I didn’t miss anything, and I am actually happy she had that private experience with her mom, K, and K’s sister. I think it will be a helpful memory for her in the future.

K didn’t want to hold her, but he did for a minute the night she was born. He had a very hard time and wasn’t really there for B much. I felt awful for her. I guess when she went home though he had bouquets of flowers in their bedroom and candles lit for her, so he does want to be there for her, I think he just doesn’t know how and probably can’t see around his own grief right now.

When it came to filling out the birth certificate, B sat me down and asked me if I’d consider KS instead of KM. She explained to me that she knew a Mackenzie that hurt her very badly and it was a hurtful reminder of that experience and she knew her daughter wouldn’t be a bad person, but it was just a sensitive issue. I thought it was such a great idea, for them to give her a name, too. Lovebug will grow up knowing that we all did this together for her, out of love. So we’re going to keep it KS.

I was able to spend the two nights in the room with B and lovebug. We had the most amazing bonding experience. (B and I) The first night we were pretty much numb. We didn’t really talk too much, or cry yet either. The next day we did a lot of talking. K’s mom, granma, and Aunt came to meet lovebug and to say goodbye. That was very difficult. I can’t explain it, I felt guilty but I knew it wasn’t my fault. You know? I was so happy to be involved in all of this. I took pictures of each of them with her that I’ll mail to them and I’ll put in lovebug’s book so she’ll know who was there and who everyone is. It was amazing. Oh, and K’s family brought me flowers! And an outfit for lovebug! My first flowers as a mom. 🙂 The vase will go in lovebug’s room.

That night, B’s mom came. She brought two cards and a book for B. The cards were extremely supportive. One told her congratulations on the first day of the rest of your life. The other said you are doing the right thing and here’s to healing well. The book was that poem, “If I Only Knew” (you know the one, If I only knew it would be the last time I’d see you… ) and she wrote on the cover of that to B “I love you more than all the flowers in the world.” Something told me, DH, and Sarah to leave. We didn’t even look at each other, but we all got up at about the same time and made up excuses to leave. We stayed out for at least an hour. Then DH and Sarah decided to go back to the hotel, so we all went back in so they could say goodnight. So now, it’s me, lovebug, B, and her mom. Her mom held her for awhile, then gave her to me, and went to say goodnight to B. Well. She ended up hugging her and rocking her while they both sobbed. It was awful. They were talking but I couldn’t hear them and I didn’t want to. I just hugged lovebug and sat there worrying. B finally calmed down a bit and her mom went to leave. B told her that we’d be getting together after they sign the surrenders Saturday if she wanted to come say goodbye to the baby. Her mom said thanks, but no thanks, that she just did say goodbye to her and left crying. Sad. Then B told me what was said during their exchange.

When her mom went to leave she hugged B and B just started to cry a little bit. Her mom told her “Don’t do this.” B thought she meant don’t do the adoption. And it set her off. She asked her mom how could she say that? She knows it’s the right thing, etc. Her mom explained that wasn’t what she meant, she meant don’t make her cry. *exhale*

So, that night, B and I sat up crying together and talking so much. I told her I was sorry. And that it’s so bitter sweet because I feel like I’m watching one of my best friends suffer. She was so gracious. I told B I love her. She told me she loves me, too.

At one point she told me she was afraid lovebug would think B didn’t love her. I told her I would always teach her how loving her birthparents are. I told her I fear that in teen years she’ll say she hates me and she wants her real mom. She told me to know if she says that to know it’s just out of hurt and anger and that she does really love me.

The next day was discharge day. It was emotional as well. She asked DH and Sarah to leave us alone for five minutes so we could talk. She told the baby she loves her. It was the first time she said it. That killed her. She made me promise to be good to her. I told her I promised to do my best.

DH came back in to help us bring the stuff out. She told him to love her and tell her he loves her because her dad never did. DH told her he grew up like that, too, and he’ll always tell lovebug he loves her.

So, we bundled her up, had a nurse check her, and had to run out of the hospital. K was on his way and did not want to see us. So we had to run to the car. That felt funny. Scandalous.

When we got to the hotel, everytime I closed my eyes I saw lovebug. B called that night to see how we were doing and told me that every time she closed her eyes she saw lovebug, and then me. I didn’t even tell her that I was seeing lovebug when I closed my eyes, too. So weird, huh?

They signed the papers Saturday morning, as planned. There was a little last minute anxiety b/c they wanted the adoption finalized simultaneously and that would’ve taken weeks to work out, so they agreed to sign the surrenders trusting that if the post placement agreement is not approved by the court that we would still honor it out of respect. They were fearful that the judge would deny visits for them. SW explained to us that that has never happened, but I can’t blame B and K for being afraid at the last minute. They signed and all is well.

They came to the hotel right after they signed. They brought a beautiful flower arrangement and a thank you card for us. THEY thanked US! Can you even imagine? So they had an hour or so alone with her in our hotel room. B asked if they could have some time because they didn’t get to have that at the hospital. I know it is something that will help them heal. And I do think it gave them some closure. They were both much more collected during this visit. B didn’t really cry this visit, only got teary when we hugged goodbye. Her and I really bonded and I think that’s hard, too. We really have grown to love each other like family. It’s nice being home though. And having things signed. Now we can just have normal mom and dad anxiety. About coughs or stuffy noses, or anything else that might be nerve wracking.

So, that’s the scoop. She’s been a dream. Knock on wood. She only wakes at night to eat. So far anyway. She hasn’t had too many stomach aches I don’t think. I wonder if that will hit after awhile? I hope not. I hope she just tolerates her formula well.

OH! B pumped, too! So she brought bottles of breastmilk for us to give her on Saturday. I thought that was awesome. I was so happy she did that. I think that is helpful for B and for lovebug’s immune system. Made me so happy.

Did I share the story about the lactation consultant already? I can’t remember. The day she came in to teach B how to use the pump, we were all there. DH, Sarah, B, and I were all sitting there while the woman darted around the room getting her tasks done. She was very business like and encouraging about B bfeeding, made her feel able to do it, I think.

Before she left, she stopped and told us how her two children are adopted, and they are the light of her life. They are her world. And how lucky we are to have had the opportunity to have met our child’s bmom and to thank her in person, she was never able to. We were all sobbing. The whole bunch of us. It was like she was sent to our room for a reason, and what she said was so comforting and beautiful for all of us I think.

Lovebug’s such a beautiful little girl, surrounded by so much love, and bringing us more love than we ever thought possible.


Somewhere in MA


One Comment

  1. Posted January 15, 2007 at 3:36 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for sharing more of your journey mamaJ. I am reading everything you write.

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