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I want another child. No I don’t.

kiwieyesThere are alot of years between my two children. My oldest child is grown, my youngest is a toddler. When our son was visified and joined our family I was happier than I had ever been in my life however, I longed to have another child for his sake and mine. I wanted him to have a sibling close in age to grow up with and I wanted to experience the joy of having children close enough in age that they would be playmates and well, sibling rivals. “He touched me!”, “She won’t give my shoe back!”, “dummy head!”. All that stuff. Crazy. I know, but that’s what I wanted. Mostly I just wanted two kids close in age to love each other, support each other and be there when one needed a friend.

I thought “if only I could find a way to talk R into it”. I researched and researched and researched a way to make adoption fees more affordable thinking if money weren’t an issue then he couldn’t, WOULDN’T refuse! I was joyous with Kiwi in my life but still felt incomplete.


The perfect situation landed in front of me. It would not require anything more than court costs, it was another boy, they were of the same heritage and this would be a domestic adoption between two parents. His current adoptive family who were disrupting and our family.

He came to us and visited with our family for a week. The boys got along great but I knew there would be attachement issues. I went back to researching and read everything I could about attachement and decided that I was strong enough to provide what this boy would need. We visted several times thereafter.

Then something happened that I did not expect!

stopAfter two years of obsessing about how I could pull off adding to our family I felt threatened by it. Where the heck did that feeling come from?

This little boy as precious as he was would be a threat to the happy home that I shared with my family. I didn’t think we were complete but I then realized that we were. We were able to provide for Kiwi and give him everything that he needed and then some. I felt we would be taking away from Kiwi’s comfortable life if we were to take on the expense of another child and also that we would be distributing time and attention that we currently gave him. He is and always has been such a happy child and our little family unit is very close. Very happy. Suddenly, I didn’t want to risk losing any of that.

mommykissI realized through this experience that we WERE complete as a family of four. Who woulda thunk? For two years I resented my husband for not wanting another child when I thought I was so deseperate to add to our family. Two years wasted feeling something on the surface that I did not feel deep within. People are strange.

T ended up with the perfect family, by the way and is thriving in his new home with his new parents and older brothers. Everyone was blessed.

transracial international adoptive mom
bio mom

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